I recently made the trip out to North Platte for the Miss Nebraska pageant, where I celebrated my 20th anniversary of winning the title. I like to tell people I won when I was in kindergarten - ha! Not quite. I was 24 and about to age out of the program. It was do or die - not only had I competed for seven years working my way up to that moment…I also needed a new car. Fortunately my dream of competing on national TV at Miss America became a reality AND I got a new set of wheels, thanks to the late Bob Spady.
During my trip back, I was asked to keynote a special event for contestants and their families that was also a benefit for the American Heart Association - an organization whose mission was my platform during my year of service as Miss Nebraska. As you can imagine, it was an emotional and cathartic experience - reminiscing about such a pivotal year, and sharing the lessons learned after the devastation of losing my brother just one year later. I’m usually more of an extemporaneous speaker (thanks to great coaching by the late Don Baker), but for this one, I needed to write it out so I could maintain some semblance of control over my emotions. Here it is:
I am so excited to be here and thankful Jodi thought of me for this special event. This brings together so many things I love!
I love the Miss America Organization. I love the Miss Nebraska Organization. I love the American Heart Association and it’s Go Red for Women campaign. And I especially love a good tea party.
In fact, I love tea parties so much, I married a British guy! And one of our favorite past-times is going for afternoon tea when we travel. My first experience with tea was actually at the Miss America pageant. Southern Living Magazine hosted the contestants for a tea party in the Crystal Ballroom at the Willard Hotel in Washington DC. We wore our Sunday best, complete with hats & gloves. I fell in love with the history and customs of a traditional afternoon tea, and could probably give an entire lecture just on that topic! I have since gone on to host many of my own tea parties.
But today we are here to talk about the heart. My platform as Miss Nebraska was dedicated to inspiring Nebraskans to live heart healthy lives. My mission began with an internship at the American Heart Association during my sophomore year of college. I learned about the prevalence of heart disease and discovered, like most American families, mine had a history of heart disease on both mom’s & dad’s sides of the family. During my year as Miss Nebraska, I spoke to audiences of all ages about heart healthy living. I also was an aerobics instructor and taught classes across the state. Twenty-some years later, my dedication to the American Heart Association continues. Every fall, I host a tea party for the AHA Sweetheart Program, which is a leadership development program started by me, Krista Knicely-Anderson (Miss Nebraska 2002), and Lori Hogan (a former Miss Nebraska USA). Each year I also have the honor of dressing the Heart Princess for the Heart Ball. And currently, I’m working with local fashion designers to procure a collection of red dresses to celebrate the 20 year anniversary of the Go Red for Women campaign in Omaha.
I was serving as the Nebraska Communications Director for AHA when the Red Dress Campaign was launched (They offered me a job after my year of service! This program really does open doors.). I remember seeing the collection of red dresses featured for the first time on the runway at Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week in New York City. Seeing Miss America partner with the campaign today is so exciting and is the perfect way to engage young women in an important message about their heart health. Nearly half of women over the age of 20 are living with some form of heart disease.
For the young women in this room, I want you to know, the choices you make today about how you treat your body will determine your health when you are standing where I am, 20 years later. Especially when we consider that women are waiting until later in life to start families…it is extremely important to take care of yourself so that when you are ready, you can have a healthy pregnancy and plenty of energy to run after your little darlings. Fun fact…at my age, my grandma was becoming a grandma! And here I am, with a toddler in diapers! Times have changed! I guess the good news for me is that studies show women who have babies in their forties are more likely to live into their 90’s.
The other thing that is important about this partnership with AHA and Miss America, is what it will do to empower and create equity when it comes to how patients are treated and even how we study heart disease. Since the beginning of science, men have been the subjects of research studies. We need to change that. We need research that uses women as subjects to ensure we receive screenings and treatment that is tailored to how our bodies, as women, present with heart disease…because it is very different than the stereotypes we grew up with around heart disease. By changing how research is done, we will also change how medical students are educated…and that will eventually trickle down into better care for women.
A lot of what I shared as Miss Nebraska was about the heart as a pump for the body. But I want to wrap up this talk by exploring a different facet of the heart with you now. The heart is also known as the seat of the soul, that intangible place where our emotions, intellect, will power and conscious live. The US Surgeon General says we are facing a pandemic of loneliness. Deaths of despair are on the rise, especially in young people. Our pageant community was touched by this phenomenon when we lost our dear Kaelia Nelson. There are a lot of people out there walking around with broken hearts. And studies show that isolation, anger and depression can increase your risk of death from CVD.
I want to share with you a time I had a broken heart, and how members of this community helped me put it back together. On March 26, 2006 my dad knocked on my door and delivered devastating news. My younger brother, my only sibling, was dead. He died on a sidewalk in London, of all places, surrounded by his fellow cast members from the Young Americans – a performing arts group he was touring with. Brent died from the very thing I had dedicated my career to saving people from…a heart attack. He was 21, and completely healthy. Heart attack was not on his bingo card. We learned from an autopsy that he had a large blood clot in his descending aorta…this type of heart attack is called the widow maker and it is nearly always fatal.
This news was like a bomb going off in our family. It was shocking and so final. Being the only kid left in my family was a lonely place to be. Watching my parents suffer through such a profound loss was excruciating. Knowing that my kids will never know him and never have cousins to play with from him, is something that still saddens me every day.
The week or two between the time we received this news and the funeral is a blur. But I have some very clear memories of the kindness our friends showed to us during this time – those memories are what make me smile today. Many of those friends are part of this pageant community. Marianne Grubaugh was the first person to arrive at my apartment after I got the news. She picked me up and took me to my parents house because I was too distraught to drive. Krista Knicely-Anderson took me for a pedicure, and what a sweet relief it was to be out of my parents house and have a “normal” experience again. Angela Selzle-Keiser was working for Congressman Lee Terry at the time, and she engaged his office and Senator Chuck Hagel’s office to help bring my brother home from the UK within days, vs two months that the US Consulate was suggesting. In the months and years following his death, Tina Foehlingher-Hansen, Miss Nebraska 2001, was an absolute rock. She had lost her brother a few years earlier and understood what that felt like. We spent a lot of time crying and missing our brothers together. I also can’t forget my pageant sister and roommate at the time, Mary Bosshardt-Hilgenkamp, who was a constant support. And of course, the many people from the Miss Nebraska board and volunteers, who drove all the way from North Platte to Omaha to be with us at the funeral. I will never forget those faces and the comfort they provided by simply being there.
There are many lessons in this:
First, don’t take your friendships for granted. Pour into them, nurture them. You will need them. And your friends will need you. Contestants, you have a unique opportunity to make friends this week. You are in excellent company – all of you are going to set the world on fire! I know that because I know how hard you have worked to get here today. If you surround yourself with friends from this group, you are going to be a winner in life whether you take home the crown tonight or not. Together you are making memories and history. What you are doing this weekend will never happen again – let that be the basis of your bond and watch the love grow. I am still friends with the women I competed with and those friendships enrich my life daily. One of those women – Krista - is now my neighbor, our children go to school together and she is my son’s Godmother.
Second, community is powerful. Join one! Participate, give back to it and invest in it like you do your friendships. Life will have tough moments, and when that happens, it’s your community who will set up a meal train and show up to support you, just as the Miss Nebraska community did for us. And while you are at it, bring others along who seem lonely and need a place to be. Be an includer. By doing that, you will be taking a step towards ending the pandemic of loneliness that is breaking so many hearts.
Finally, your presence matters. You matter. This one has taken a long time for me to grasp and it’s something I want to be better at. As I reflect on my experience of grief, I remember who showed up. I remember what a comfort that was so see them, to hear from them. No grand gestures required. Don’t ever tell yourself that your presence isn’t important, that you won’t be missed or that you can’t make a difference, especially when someone is hurting. Because you just being there is enough. You are enough.
With that, I want to say loud and clear, a long overdue thank you to the Miss Nebraska community. I am so lucky to have been a part of this program, which has been such a support in so many ways to me and my family. When you come to North Platte as a contestant, a part of you never leaves. Because this community continues to cheer for you, think of you, and love you, even 20 years later.
Thank you.